At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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