I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We just shotgunned beers for America
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
