I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
