saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Who died my cat blue again?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
