I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
