she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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