Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
