It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
