She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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