Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We are two peas in an std pod
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
