So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
