I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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