FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
