Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just sucked dick on a ferry
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
