I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
