What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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