You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
