you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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