There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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