My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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