you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
