she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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