Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
