I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Redeem this text for a blowjob
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
