Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
