I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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