Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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