After last night, I could never be a politician.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
