It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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