I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
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