I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
