DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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