i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
