my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
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