I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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