remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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