I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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