I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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