My first STD was from a foam party
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
