im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
