And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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