Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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