Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
