the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
