The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
