my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
