somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
