how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
