i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
