I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
